A Failure Report For Failing To Report
PART ONE: An internal memo re: my most recent failure
To: All Teams
From: Frustration <uptohere@enoughisenough.org>
Date: Wed, Jul 20, 4:59 PM
Subject: [Internal Memo] Failure Report
Well, here I am. Again.
I am six weeks into this project and I have already failed.
More than once. In more than one way.
Maybe not entirely, in the way that severs all possibility of recovery or dooms the project’s future, but definitely in the way that rips a hole in the fabric of your confidence, that leaves you feeling a little naked and makes you hesitate to return.
Most of my current failures- failure to execute on an idea, to have an idea in the first place, to start a sentence, to finish a thought, to sit down and just try, to practice, to put my phone down, to stop falling into the same distraction traps and rabbit holes- have all led to this one, giant, overarching failure which currently hangs over my head: I have failed to deliver essays consistently and according to the schedule I promised.
Every day that passes, the gap between this document and their inbox gets wider and I retreat further. When I promised they’d receive weekly-ish emails from me, that ‘ish’ was a little grace I had built in for myself, allowing me to be imperfect. I fully expected that this wouldn’t go as planned and I accounted for that! It was a huge growth moment. A significant step away from my perfectionism. (Although, if I’m being totally honest, I was confident I was setting expectations that I would, without a doubt, be able to exceed).
But it didn’t matter. I failed to deliver on both. I failed to be the appropriate amount of imperfect- the acceptable, allotted amount. And I failed to live up to the prolific, effortless creativity I believed myself capable of.
And before you say anything, let me be clear- I don’t actually think anyone is out there checking their watch, wondering where the next issue is. Bless them if they’ve noticed at all. I know their lives are full and everyone is too busy worrying about themselves (and their own failures) to think about mine.
But that’s not really the point. Or, at least, their disappointment is beside the point. Like, right next door, playing loud music, exacerbating the fact that I can’t focus or write or accomplish or create or seem to, in any way, live up to the person I fancy myself being.
The point is- this keeps happening. The point is- that, at a certain point, I might just need to admit that these failures are not a fluke. They are not project or skillset specific. They are me specific. The big, devastating failures, the smaller, recoverable failures- they all feel the same and they all seem to point to the same, terrifying thing-
Something is wrong. I think it’s me.
To: All Teams
From: Fear <itoldyouso@bettersafethansorry.com>
Date: Wed, Jul 20, 4:59 PM
Subject: Re: [Internal Memo] Failure Report
I KNEW IT! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT WOULD HAPPEN!
To: All Teams
From: Pollyanna <thebrightside@outlook.com>
Date: Wed, Jul 20, 4:59 PM
Subject: Re: [Internal Memo] Failure Report
👋🧁 💑🪄🏆 🚠 🔪💉💊💪 🎶🎤 🚪✊👇☝👇💡💯🧲🔮🏋💞
Emoji to English translation:
HI SWEETIE!!! I LOVE YOU AND I THINK YOU’RE AMAZING AND TALENTED JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! JUST HANG IN THERE! WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU ONLY MAKES YOU STRONGER! WHAT WAS THAT SONG YOU USED TO SING….I GET KNOCKED DOWN BUT I GET UP AGAIN, AIN’T NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN! IT REMINDS ME OF THAT EINSTEIN QUOTE! THE ONE ABOUT MAKING A HUNDRED LIGHT BULBS BEFORE HE FOUND ONE THAT WORKED… I HAVE IT ON A MAGNET SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE…ANYWAYS! EVERYTHING WILL BE OK! IT WILL ALL WORK OUT! I LOVE YOU!!!
To: All Teams
From: Pragmatism <realitycheck@aol.com>
Date: Wed, Jul 20, 5:01 PM
Subject: Re: Re: [Internal Memo] Failure Report
You bring up a very good point. The creative careers you’ve chosen are full of rejection and failure and success that is largely outside of your control. You’re very talented, but you can’t pay the bills with talent. Maybe it’s time to get a real job with a steady paycheck and health insurance. Like a responsible adult. Writing can be your hobby. That’s what most people do.
P.S. Skepticism and Doubt came over for tea and a clothes swap and they both agree- it’s just too risky.
To: All Teams
From: Department of Tactical Avoidance
Date: Wed, Jul 20, 5:01 PM
Subject: [Auto response] Re: [Internal Memo] Failure Report
No thank you for your message. Fortunately, we are not available at this time. Due to our current backlog, you can expect a response in approximately [never] days. While you wait, we encourage you to check out our ever-growing library of avoidance resources in the highlights section on our instagram.
To: All Teams
From: Comparison <researchandanalytics@joythief.com>
Date: Wed, Jul 20, 6:43 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: [Internal Memo] Failure Report
Hey! We compiled a list of other writers that are really great. We thought it would be helpful for you to study them. You’ll notice they all have very large libraries of work, including published books for most of them!! Maybe this will help you get inspired- especially seeing how easy and effortless they make it look and how consistent they’ve been, probably since day one.
To: Tami <outsourcedoptimism@substack.com>
From: Department of Hope
Date: Thurs, Jul 21, 7:14 AM
Subject: Fwd: Ritual for rejection
I was reading through Comparison’s list of authors and I saw this post and it made me think of you. I know this isn’t exactly the same thing you were talking about, but she made art out of her rejection letters and I know you like to write letters and so I wondered- maybe you could make something lovely out of your failure, too? Just a thought.
P.S. I noticed you haven’t been keeping up with Inspiration lately and anytime there’s a gap, Comparison likes to jump in and try to fill her shoes. I think her heart starts in the right place, but she’s just not built for the role. Be mindful of that when she offers advice, ok?
P.P.S. Please reach out to Inspiration. I know your relationship has felt fraught lately, but I bet if you started walking, she would meet you halfway.
---------- Forwarded message ---------
From: Mari Andrew <mariandrew@bulletin.com>
Subject: Ritual for rejection
[Message clipped] View entire message
To: All Teams
From: Curiosity <inquiries@thecatisaliveandwellthankyouverymuch.com>
Date: Thurs, Jul 21, 7:43 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: [Internal Memo] Failure Report
First off, I just want to acknowledge that Frustration is real and valid.
Second, I was thinking a lot about what you said. You don’t have to answer right away, but when you’re ready, I have a few questions…
I know that timing and consistency are important, especially if you subscribe to any of the current newsletter growth strategies, and, of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to grow. But I also know that deadlines and content calendars weren't why you started this project in the first place and I wondered if it would be helpful to go back and remember why you did? And is there is a more accurate measurement for success that supports that priority instead? Or maybe it’s changed and I’d love to hear what gets you excited now?
It sounds like this failure is part of a bigger story and I wondered what that story is? Also, what does that story mean?
I have a feeling there’s a lot more good than bad in here, but let me know what you think. I’m only Curious.
To: All Teams
From: Department of Human Resources
Date: Thurs, Jul 21, 8:03 AM
Subject: Re: [Internal Memo] Failure Report
Hello Teams,
As we covered in our recent Workplace Resolution Workshop, this is not the appropriate channel for filing complaints. Please refer to page 113 in your handbooks for a step-by-step process, including a recently added illustrated guide for visual learners and a link to an audio training for those who prefer to consume that way.
Also, just another reminder for everyone to please stop using your personal emails for work purposes.
Thank you,
H.R.
To: Tami <outsourcedoptimism@substack.com>
From: The World Department of Failure Regulation & Review
Date: Friday, Jul 22, 10:01 AM
Subject: [external] Failure Status For Filing No. NOTCOO9101112
Dear Ms. Carey,
We are pleased to DENY your request for Failure status due to ERROR CODE 001.
An assessment of your project, Outsourced Optimism, reports STRONG VIABILITY.
Our recommended adjustments are as follows:
Time management improvement and process development through continued experimentation (see notes)
Sincerely,
The World Department of Failure Regulation & Review
_____________________
Notes: While failure is possible for countless reasons, including reasons outside of your control and reasons you will never know, we strongly recommend performing a routine evaluation for new projects as the learning process is steepest in the early stages and involves frequent mistakes which are best overcome or adapted to with responsive iteration and informed improvements.
Error code 001- People are not eligible for Failure status.
[ next up PART 2: A Letter To The One Who Failed ]