I have had Joni Mitchell in my head for weeks.
The song ‘Both Sides Now’ to be specific.
For days and days and days, the fragmented lyrics I actually know of that song (mainly the parts that underscore the scene in Love Actually where Emma Thompson’s character’s heart slowly shatters while her cheating husband and lobster children sit patiently on the sofa in the other room…if you haven’t seen the movie, that might be confusing…her children aren’t actually lobsters, they’re just dressed up as lobsters for the Christmas pageant….ok, that might also be confusing1…moving on…) have tumbled around in my brain like the soft thumping of towels in the dryer. Not unpleasant but tirelessly redundant. Over and over and over.
I have no idea why (we didn’t even watch Love Actually over Christmas this year), though someone once told me that our subconscious uses songs to send us messages. If a particular tune gets stuck in your head or you find yourself playing something on repeat, it can be illuminating to examine the lyrics a little more closely. Oftentimes, they said, we’ll hear a theme or a feeling mirrored back to us that has been otherwise buried from our awareness. Our brains are so clever like that.
As I considered this, another audio file came to mind. An old interview between Krista Tippet and Alain de Botton appropriately titled “The True Hard Work of Love and Relationships.”2 I didn’t remember much about the interview other than, at the time, I was newly married and it felt like a real revelation when he pointed out that our idea of love, shaped largely by movies and music, focuses almost entirely on the first part, leading up to the wedding and leaving off there. But that, he said, is where love really begins.
This time of year, love is in the air like pollen. It’s nearly impossible not to breathe it in and become consumed by its many considerations. Our bodies processing it with various degrees of tolerance, compatibility, and reaction.
While I’m not invested in the the romantic expression of Valentine’s Day, the rose-colored romantic in me loves Love and will take pretty much any opportunity to celebrate.
Usually, I like this day as a reminder to reflect on all the love in my life. This year, my thoughts turned toward my understanding of love and how much it has changed over the years. How much I have learned and grown. How much my expectations of it have elaborated and expanded.
Maybe I understood what Joni was trying to tell me, after all.
As I followed this train of thought, the strangest thing happened. For each love-shaped misconception I stumbled on, a corresponding song would pop into my head. Not necessarily the origin of that belief, but one representation of it. Like a bread crumb trail, it mapped my memory lane. Or, maybe more accurately, soundtracked the trip.
For the record (pun intended), I didn’t look up or actively choose any specific songs and I can’t even say that these selections reflect my preferences. All I did was listen and write down what came up. So it’s…random. And kind of weird.
I’m calling it a playlist, but I doubt you’ll be adding this to your Spotify, and you definitely won’t be asking me to DJ your next party. I could defend myself and remind you that these are just the little ditties that the worker bees in the basement of my brain sent upstairs from thousands of days of Top 40 radio exposure (and some intentional listening), but the truth is, aside from a brief moment in time where I seemed to know about Pandora before anyone else, I’ve never had my finger on the pulse of music.
One final disclaimer: These ideals and illusions, while heavily associated with different stages of maturity and phases of relationship experiences, are quite similar to the Kubler-Ross grief stages. That is- not entirely linear and still likely to resurface, out of order, at any time. They’re also slightly exaggerated for illustrative purposes. But maybe not as exaggerated as we’d like to think….
LOVE COMPLETES YOU
(D)illusion: Being in love is a constant, fantasy-come-to-life state, where two people become one superlove being, entwined and enmeshed. You say things to each other like- You’re my whole world and I don’t want to live without you.
Spirit Song: Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden
Emotional (& Musical) Genre: High school prom slow dance
I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy. I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need. I'll love you more with every breath truly, madly, deeply do. I will be strong, I will be faithful 'cause I'm counting on a new beginnin'. A reason for livin'.
LOVE DOESN’T ASK ANYTHING OF YOU
(D)illusion: Love is uncompromising and dangerous and dramatic. We are equally allies and enemies, me on my side and you on yours. Both of us want that fantasy but can’t forget past heartbreak. We wade in anyways, but with lots of trust issues and some heavily studded baggage.
Spirit Song: Love Is A Battlefield by Pat Benatar
Emotional (& Musical) Genre: Anthemic 80’s rock
We are young. Heartache to heartache. We stand. No promises. No demands. Love is a battlefield. We are strong. No one can tell us we're wrong. Searching our hearts for so long. Both of us knowing. Love is a battlefield.
LOVE IS BLIND
(D)illusion: When you love someone, you don’t see (or you’re supposed to love/ignore) their flaws. Love overrides any red flags because if you really love someone, you stay- even if it’s not working- and any small, positive thing about them helps to strengthen (or justify) your resolve.
Spirit Song: (Absolutely) Story Of A Girl by Nine Days
Emotional (& Musical) Genre: Sing-a-long emo-pop with minimal substance
This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world. And while she looks so sad in photographs. I absolutely love her when she smiles.
LOVE NEVER FIGHTS
(D)illusion: There is a no tolerance policy for mistakes and fighting is a sign that it’s not working. If you hurt me, I’m outta here. Because couples who are really in love never fight. Because when you’re soulmates, you’re never misunderstood.
Spirit Song: Bad Blood by Taylor Swift
Emotional (& Musical) Genre: Catchy revenge pop
Oh, it's so sad to think about the good times- You and I. 'Cause baby, now we got bad blood. You know it used to be mad love. So take a look what you've done. 'Cause baby, now we got bad blood (hey!). Now we got problems. And I don't think we can solve 'em (think we can solve 'em). You made a really deep cut. And baby, now we got bad blood (hey!)
(TRUE) LOVE IS HAPPILY EVER AFTER
(D)illusion: The One is The Exception to everything you’ve learned. Every problem or issue that existed in past relationships was simply because those people weren’t right for you. This person is right for you. Now that you’ve found The One, you can go back to the beginning and expect that happily ever after you were originally promised.
Spirit song: At Last by Etta James
Emotional (& Musical) Genre: Timeless soulful aisle song
At last, my love has come along. My lonely days are over. And life is like a song. I found a dream, that I could speak to. A dream that I can call my own. I found a thrill to rest my cheek to. A thrill that I have never known.
LOVE IS…
I think, now, that love is both epic and ordinary. It is spanning and overwhelming in its breadth and depth and capacity. And it lives in details so small and so profoundly simple that it will break your heart.
Emotional (& Musical) Genre: Plucky, earnest country
Spirit Song: Chicken Fried by Zac Brown Band
It's funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most. Not where you live, what you drive, or the price tag on your clothes. There's no dollar sign on a piece of mind. This I've come to know. So if you agree, have a drink with me. Raise your glasses for a toast. To a little bit of chicken fried. Cold beer on a Friday night. A pair of jeans that fit just right. And the radio up. Well I've seen the sun rise. See the love in my woman's eyes. Feel the touch of a precious child. And know a mother's love.
We change. And so the way we experience love changes. What we need in love changes. What we understand about the complexities and contradictions of love changes. And, in there, we grow. In front of each other, because of each other. Sometimes closer together. Sometimes farther apart.
Love, I think, is really a little bit of all of it.
Spirit Song: Both Sides by Joni Mitchell
Emotional (& Musical) Genre: Simple, poetic, observational folk
I've looked at love from both sides now. From give and take and still somehow it's love's illusions that I recall. I really don't know love, really don't know love at all. Tears and fears and feeling proud. To say, "I love you" right out loud . Dreams and schemes and circus crowds. I've looked at life that way. Oh, but now old friends they're acting strange. And they shake their heads and they tell me that I've changed. Well something's lost, but something's gained. In living every day.
“So we have this ideal of what love is and then these very, very unhelpful narratives of love. But if you say to people, “Look, love is a painful, poignant, touching attempt by two flawed individuals to try and meet each other’s needs in situations of gross uncertainty and ignorance about who they are and who the other person is, but we’re going to do our best,” that’s a much more generous starting point.
So the acceptance of ourselves as flawed creatures seems to me what love really is.”3
I wonder:
What song summarizes your current outlook on love? (it’s most fun if you go with the first one that comes to mind, even if it’s not the best one…)
How has the way you look at love or think about love changed?
This Love Actually clip might help explain it…a little
Listen to the On Being interview (I recommend the unedited cut)
Excerpt from Alain de Botton’s interview with Krista Tippet (linked above)
Love's delusions, I recall...
I love that sound by Michael Bernard Fitzgerald. To me it really highlights these small intimate moments of daily life, doing the dishes after a meal, undressing before bed, finding a contented love in the ordinary. 💗
When my wife and I married 33 years ago it was “She and I” (live in our own little world, ain’t it wonderful). We still listen to that, but we’ve had stretches where “At Last” really worked. Most recently it’s been Anderson.Paak’s “Put Me Thru” and Sturgill Simpson’s “I Don’t Mind.” We still dance in the kitchen to a bunch of these.