I was someone who very much wanted to fix and take away pain, not least because as I'm also highly empathetic I felt and soaked up their anguish like a soggy sponge, as some of the other comments say! Training to become a coach and learning that it is absolutely not my role to give advice or to fix was incredibly freeing. Because I felt a pressure as a fixer, I must fix and I needed to fix right and for them to not become unfixed later on. Now as a coach that's not for me to do, that's not a pressure I have, and because advice-giving and fixing play no part in my conversations it enables me to listen and to reflect back so they can really hear themselves too. Supporting someone to tune into their own wisdom, to find their own way forward is just, well, the best. Beats fixing any day of the week!
I love that the process of becoming a coach is what helped to free you from your fixer-ness and reframe both the support you do offer and the way you show up! How beautiful.
I too am a fixer...and I’m sure my sons and siblings would appreciate me sharing a little less of my ideas about what will help them to live their best lives...and sometimes I find myself feeling like a sponge that soaks up all the anxiety and stress of my closest and dearest and it’s exhausting! ...sounds like a good topic for my next therapy session! 💜
I'd be willing to bet that Sponge Syndrome is a very common secondary diagnosis among Fixers! I don't think we'll ever run out of material for our therapists.
While all advice is good advice, I confess as a recovering fixer, that I suspect you will feel more free to give advice to fictional people, and between fiction, movies, tv, etc. you should find plenty of examples that are so close to real life problems to have it work. Truth is, even if the real people are "asking" for the advice, this doesn't mean they will always react the way you hope to that advice. See I am busy trying to protect you from yourself already (smile.)
I’m so excited to read this. I can totally relate and even wrote my own “Confessions of a Fixer” letter a few months back. I did, in fact try to make a career out of this propensity, becoming a nurse working in the I.C.U. Needless to say, I realized I couldn’t “fix” all of my patients, no matter how hard I tried and eventually left that career for the lower stakes of trying to just fix my friends and family...another habit I’m unlearning.
Glad to know there are more of us out there learning new ways of being and quoting our therapists! 💗
Oh yes- we're out here just doing the best we can 😉 I'm looking forward to reading your letter! Feel free to drop the link in here too for all the Fixers that find their way over.
Yes, to know your worth beyond this: "You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees. for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. " ~Mary Oliver
It was such a humbling, awkward moment to recognize this about myself. And a little devastating to lose that sense of control and accept that some things (and people) cannot be fixed (by me). But it has also been so comforting to find myself in such good, kind, curious company growing into greater awareness and finding more appropriate places to direct our helpfulness - like yourself. Thank you for being here. 💛
Great post. It's nice to know you're out there and you give a fix.
I was someone who very much wanted to fix and take away pain, not least because as I'm also highly empathetic I felt and soaked up their anguish like a soggy sponge, as some of the other comments say! Training to become a coach and learning that it is absolutely not my role to give advice or to fix was incredibly freeing. Because I felt a pressure as a fixer, I must fix and I needed to fix right and for them to not become unfixed later on. Now as a coach that's not for me to do, that's not a pressure I have, and because advice-giving and fixing play no part in my conversations it enables me to listen and to reflect back so they can really hear themselves too. Supporting someone to tune into their own wisdom, to find their own way forward is just, well, the best. Beats fixing any day of the week!
I love that the process of becoming a coach is what helped to free you from your fixer-ness and reframe both the support you do offer and the way you show up! How beautiful.
I too am a fixer...and I’m sure my sons and siblings would appreciate me sharing a little less of my ideas about what will help them to live their best lives...and sometimes I find myself feeling like a sponge that soaks up all the anxiety and stress of my closest and dearest and it’s exhausting! ...sounds like a good topic for my next therapy session! 💜
I'd be willing to bet that Sponge Syndrome is a very common secondary diagnosis among Fixers! I don't think we'll ever run out of material for our therapists.
While all advice is good advice, I confess as a recovering fixer, that I suspect you will feel more free to give advice to fictional people, and between fiction, movies, tv, etc. you should find plenty of examples that are so close to real life problems to have it work. Truth is, even if the real people are "asking" for the advice, this doesn't mean they will always react the way you hope to that advice. See I am busy trying to protect you from yourself already (smile.)
It's a hard habit to beat, but I very much appreciate your thoughts!
I’m so excited to read this. I can totally relate and even wrote my own “Confessions of a Fixer” letter a few months back. I did, in fact try to make a career out of this propensity, becoming a nurse working in the I.C.U. Needless to say, I realized I couldn’t “fix” all of my patients, no matter how hard I tried and eventually left that career for the lower stakes of trying to just fix my friends and family...another habit I’m unlearning.
Glad to know there are more of us out there learning new ways of being and quoting our therapists! 💗
Oh yes- we're out here just doing the best we can 😉 I'm looking forward to reading your letter! Feel free to drop the link in here too for all the Fixers that find their way over.
Thank you! Here it is- a letter of solidarity for all of us fixers out there ;) https://thebarefootbeat.substack.com/p/confessions-of-a-fixer
FIXERS, UNITE!
Recognizing that our desire to 'help' can be so unhelpful - is powerful.
Brava for your brave explorations!
Thank you Christine! It can be an awfully humbling process, but ultimately so empowering.
Yes, to know your worth beyond this: "You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees. for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. " ~Mary Oliver
Really appreciate this essay, as a recovering “fixer” (something I only realized about myself a couple years ago). 🫶
It was such a humbling, awkward moment to recognize this about myself. And a little devastating to lose that sense of control and accept that some things (and people) cannot be fixed (by me). But it has also been so comforting to find myself in such good, kind, curious company growing into greater awareness and finding more appropriate places to direct our helpfulness - like yourself. Thank you for being here. 💛
Thank YOU for your insight and openness. And I agree that realization is definitely awkward and humbling. But also liberating, I believe.
One thousand percent agree!
you will be amazing at this!!
Thank you Jan!! 💛