Not making a choice is still a choice

Connect 4: Menus ➞ Marriage ➞ Moving ➞ Menus (again)

Welcome the another edition of Connect Four, a mapping of synchronicities and constellations of thought, while also creating a list-like space to share inspiration, discoveries, and recommendations…four things at a time. To read the first one (and the introduction to this experiment) visit this post.

This week is inspired by last week’s OH Dear Advice Column, which sparked a lot of conversations around life choices and how sometimes we forget we still have them. Seems I’m not the only one staring down some big decisions and coming to grips with decisions I’ve already made. Let’s connect the dots, shall we?

- one -
intuition exercises

When I’m at a restaurant and having a hard time choosing, I’ll often tell the waiter the options I’m considering and ask if they have a recommendation. This drives my husband nuts. As he points out- you never take their advice!

That’s not entirely true. Sometimes they respond with such adamance or enthusiasm that the choice is clear. Also, sometimes their recommendation ends up being the thing I wanted after all.

But he is right insofar as I’m not really asking for their advice. I’m looking for more information. They know the menu better than I do. And, while their tastes and preferences are different than mine, they’ll usually explain why they recommend one thing over another.

They’ll offer qualifications, like: “If you’re in the mood for (x), I’d go with the (y)” or “I don’t like (this) because it’s too (that), but if you like that sort of thing…”

What I’m listening for are clues. Something they say that inexplicably clicks. An adjective or description that intersects with a quiet preference I couldn’t hear over my overthinking mind. It’s an exercise in literally listening to my gut.

Deciding between a burger or the fried chicken sandwich is a pretty low stakes ordeal and, unlike most of my other choices, I can easily invoke a do-over. But that’s exactly the point. I have spent a lot of my life bypassing my intuition and, just like my other underused muscles, it needs a lot of lightweight practice to get stronger.

- two -
make your marriage optional

If you watched The Resort, you probably remember the Two Teds. A couple vacationing at the titled hotel who are noticeably happier and more companionable than the main characters, despite the fact that they are on this trip to decide whether or not to stay together. This is not because they’re having problems or don’t still love each other. It is an intentional check-in point they agreed on from the beginning– every 7 years they assess their relationship and decide whether or not to extend the contract of their marriage.

I know that doesn’t sound very romantic, but I think there’s something so refreshingly truthful about this approach. The way it holds the weight of that commitment more honestly. How it holds us more accountable to the ongoing responsibility we have to each other.

What happens when we show up in our long-term partnerships as a deliberate daily choice, and not an infinite inevitability?

Don’t get me wrong. I love a good old-fashioned love story– the whole swept-off-your-feet, happily-ever-after bit. I even have a good love story, some of which could seamlessly fit into the catalog of fairy tales. It’s just that ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t take you all the way to the end. It really only gets you started. Even the best love stories have to fit into real life. Which is never seamless.

Especially when the magical ‘this is all just happening’ thinking turns into a ‘this is just the way it is now’ narrative. Destiny makes a nice matchmaker, but also a very convenient scapegoat.

What would happen if we could more readily accept the reality of change in a relationship? If we welcomed change in each other, could we do the same for ourselves? If we allowed for the possibility of growing apart, would we be more present for what’s needed to grow together?

You always hear that marriage is work. This, I think, is what the work is.

- three -
how to stay married

Paulo Coelho’s interview with Krista Tippet is one of my favorites. I think about this excerpt all the time:

“I’ve been married for 34 years with the same woman, but is she the same woman? I don’t think so. I think that she changed a lot during this 34 years. And when people ask me, How did you manage to get married with the same woman for so long? I answer that they are wrong.

She is not the girl that I met back in 1979. She changed a lot. So did I. And throughout all these years, our marriage went through many moments of destruction, so to say. But not destruction in a bad way.

For example, just like you build a house, and then you say, “This house does not fit me anymore. So, let’s reorganize, but let’s continue to live here. We don’t need to move because I love you, and you love me. So let’s reconstruct this house.”

- four -
life is like the Cheesecake Factory…you never know what to get

I worry (a lot) about making the wrong choices. Which is to say, I preemptively worry about regret. Especially when it comes to The Big Decisions we have to make. The irreversible ones and the ones where it’s much harder to invoke a do-over. Decisions like: where to live, whether or not to have kids, what career to commit to.

The last few years, I have been playing multiple hands like I’m seated at some kind of poker table in limbo. Delaying a decision in the hopes that someone else’s hand, or some lucky draw, will make it clear whether I should fold or go all in….

Actually, I don’t play poker, so I’m not sure if this analogy is working….let’s go back to the menu. Food is more my element…

The truth is, I need more information. But the more I research and experiment, the more certain I am that no amount of thinking or data is going to make my decision more clear.

I’ve been over here practicing with cheeseburgers and chicken sandwiches when really, life is a Cheesecake Factory menu. The options are pretty much endless, so unless you create some parameters for the kind of experience (or ingredients) you want to enjoy, you’re just going to end up sitting at the table with an empty plate.

Someone wise once told me that sometimes there is no right choice. There’s just the choice you make.

So then what do you do, I asked

You just make a choice, she said, and then you empower that choice.

Wait! Don’t go yet…

1. What’s the best thing you’ve eaten lately?

2. Do you have a go-to meal or an ingredient you always look for on a menu? Or am I the only one who does this? (whatever, I’ll put mine in the comments…there are many 😉)

3. Any decision-making tips or tricks for me and my fellow hand-wringers and over-thinkers?

4. 👇🏻